It's been awhile...

Yeah, I don't really have an excuse. I haven't written on here nor in my diary much. My mind has been boggled and what not. I'm changing school campuses and transferring jobs and maybe marrying this upcoming year. Things are gonna be real different for me soon and with so much going on I'm just overwhelmed and very nervous.  So many changes. What if I can't handle my classes? Or can't afford my schooling to be what I want to be so much? What if the people at my new location are hostile and gnaw on my esteem and confidence? What if my mom can't afford to have me and scruffy move in? What If there's an emergency? And what if we change churches and it causes so much drama, not only for us but for his family?

Oh so much to think about but I must remember my daddy's mantra: always be nice and don't lie.

Hmmm....interesting

University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?"

A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"

"God created everything?" The professor asked.

"Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything; then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil."

The student became quiet and did not answer the professor's hypothetical definition. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "May I ask you a question, professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"

The other students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color.

You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man's Inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

A Decision Made, a Future Revealed

I think I've decided. I know it will be an extreme struggle and a lot of hard work, but I am willing to do it to ensure a stable career, but mostly I want to help those who have reached rock bottom and help them be productive and happy members of society. I want to help someone help themselves. I want to be an addiction psychiatrist.

Another one for the wishing well

I bet you don't think I remember. You probably think that I was too young and it was too insignificant to remember. But I do. I remember.  I knew what I was doing too. I knew I could get in trouble. I knew there were gonna be consequences. I even knew there was a chance the broken glass could cut me, maybe even severely. But I don't think you understood my purpose. I was fighting back. I was trying to hurt the bad thing. I wanted to injure it or kill it if I could. Of course I wish I could have, but even more, I wish you would've taken notice. I wish it would have made a difference.

The best childhood memory

My best memory would be the summer my dad got third degree burns on his arms and second degree on his face when I was ten years old. (He had a gallon of evaporated gas blow up infront of him). That sounds depressing, but that summer, I stayed home to help take care of him. Due to his burns, he couldn't stand particularily warm or cool weather so we would get up early in to sit on the front porch in the early morning cool before it got hot. My dad loved to fish and since he couldn't that summer, we would 'fish' off the front porch into the grass. It seems stupid, casting into grass with fishing poles to collect clumps of grass or sticks, but I bonded with my dad so much that summer, laughing at who 'caught' the smallest fish (clumps of grass) and casted the farthest. Also, taking  care of him that summer showed me how to put my discomfort and wants aside to help someone I love, and I hope to use that in any incident that needs it in the future.

Alot of discouragment= frustration

Look I am aware that I'm not that crazy about kids and I don't make baby noises everytime I see one, but I do love the ones I get close to.  I'm a little awkward at first but i get better the longer I'm around the kid. And you know what? I am actually pretty good with them, even if you say you don't know if you'd be comfortable with me watching your kid. So whatever.  Screw you cause I am going to be a GREAT mom. My kids wont act like they weren't taught some sense,but also, they will never wonder if I love them or not. Never. So keep your judgements to yourself.

We must learn to be our own best friends because we too easily fall into the trap of being our own worst enemy

Roderick Thorpe

New: Quotes to live by

Starting a new label of only quotes that either interest me or seem wise or funny. New one is next

He thinks I'm cute :)

I love the little moments, like when he put his jacket on me and says that I'm cute. Also when he says stuff like, "come here, beautiful." I love when he carries me, even though I'm sure it's not all that great to him. I love when he gathers me in his arms when he's asleep. I love when he comes up behind me and hugs me an gives me a kiss. I love when he loves me<3<3<3

I can do better than this...

Balancing college, job, sanity, relationship, and a social life. Overall, I guess I am doing okay..but individually,...I'm not so sure. I could put more effort into school, my job is good, sanity has been and always be unbalanced hahaha, I wish I could do more for my relationship, and my social life is slipping but eh, I've never been that 'faithful' of a friend. For my relationship, I wish I could just help. At least help. I can't find the balance between being controlling or just giving up. I feel I should encourage him, but I end up just telling him what I assume is best for him, or I get fed up, give up and just let him do whatever he wants to do without any comment from me, but I feel like that's not caring.  I want to push and support him to achieve his dream, but I guess all I do is push him. I don't know what to do. I want to be the reaching hand to pull him out of the tough times, but sometimes I feel like I'm dragging him, kicking and screaming, through a storm. Where does support stop and control start?

XXXIX by Jose Marti

Translated from Spanish to English

I grow a white rose

In July to in January

for the sincere friend

that gives me his honest hand

And for the one who tears out

the heart by which I live

thistle nor nettle I grow,

I grow the white rose

I love the sun

I just love it. The light. The warmth. Sometimes i just with i could plant my feet in warm mud, grow roots,become a flower and just bask in the warm sunlight...

Please Don't

I know you didn't feel well and I'm sorry. I didn't intentionally choose some game over you. Had I been aware of the time and how you felt about it, I would have been more than happy to stop and pay attention to you. Again, I'm sorry. To be honest, I thought you were kidding when you first got mad about me being on the game, but after a while I realized you were serious and got off as quickly as I though I could, (which apparently isn't the quickest way...). You did overreact, but you admitted that and apologized, which I appreciated, especially since I was in the wrong. I do want to do stuff for you to make you feel better, whether it be by heart or body, I don't know.
       But this isn't about me ignoring you for Batman, it's about the blogs. Please don't start blog wars. We've always argued either face to face or on the phone, and sometimes it is hard, but we work through what's wrong in the end, with less damage than us fighting online or through text. So far, I've tried to make sure that I only make positive posts about you, and I ask you do the same for me. Not because I don't like it or whatever, but because blog wars make arguments so much worse and sound harsher than things really are. Also, it is similar to arguing in a crowded place, for all to see, and argument posts are too easy to turn into a post just trashing someone. I know you're not meaning to cause much grief or anything, I just ask that you please don't. I love you and don't want things to change from us being able to talk it out, to us blasting each other on our blogs.

Warning!

Never piss off an artist.

They'll paint you getting eaten by sharks...

Or paint rainbows on your car. Hahah

Try and try again

My first attempt at a landscape.

"try and try again"
Graphite
5" x 7"

All I want is to know...

I know my ex-step-father abused me at some point. After hearing the tale from 3 different eyewitnesses, I can't deny that he picked me up by my throat when I five or six or maybe even seven. I don't remember this, even though I remember the times before and after that where he brutally beat my mom.

I have shown similar behaviors that women who were raped or molested when they were children. I grew up with an intense dislike for boys and afraid to trust any person. I was introverted and talked to as few people as possible. Once I actually started dating, I struggled being emotionally close to a guy, much less physically. With my first boyfriend, it was hard to get where we could hold hand. We kissed only twice over the 11 months we dated, and that was where he kissed me on valentines day after we dated for nine months. I couldn't get myself to kiss him. When I began dating scruffy, I held back. I was a little more comfortable with him and I even held his hand first. I think what really made me think i might have been messed with as a kid and don't remember, was when I mistakenly lost my virginity, I didn't bleed like most girls. I know it could happen to anyone, but it was all the before plus that.

When I talk about it with Scruffy, him being the only one i really talk to about it, we say that we think I was messed with. We don't use the real terms because it's just too harsh, but you know what? I admit it. I wonder if I was raped or sexually abused as a child. If so, I've come to where I can accept it, but I just want to know. Did it happen or not?

What is love?

    Many people today say "I love you" without true feeling. Others tell them how stupid it is to say something of such importance to someone you've dated for a week or two. I will admit, I am a member of the second group. I despise when someone, particularly teenagers, vow their love to another after only just started dating. No, I don't think one can put a definite time limit or requirement to be able to know you truly love someone, but it does come with time, or more like with experiences. I was with my boyfriend for 6 months before I knew I loved him. For some people its only 4 months. Also, I agree to an extent, that there is an age requirement to know the meaning of love. Maybe I mean maturity, instead of age. I feel that you do not know what love is until you can take care of and manage yourself. It makes no sense to me that a thirteen year old can romantically love someone. My sister once told me, "You love someone in a totally different way when your 29 than when you are 19." I agree, that love changes as you progress through life. If you love someone as a boyfriend when you are 19, as a friend, a romantic interest, a shoulder to cry on and a warm embrace. You love them as a husband when you are 29. I suppose it's that love isn't taken more seriously at an older age, but allowed more naturally. At 17, you want someone to make you special to them and want to fall in love and be in love with someone, which is also true in older ages, but at that point, you love them because you actually do, not because you want to love them.

     But love to me isn't perfect. Love is where you know their faults, and even dislike them, but accept them. You argue, you get mad at each other, you make up, and you acknowledge that this will happen again later and that it's going to be worse then. You realize that it's going to be hard sometimes, if not almost half, but you still believe that it'll be worth it because you want to be with them, they love you, and the good times outweigh the bad ones. Love is accepting someone as a whole, good, bad, best, and worst included, and still feel unconditional positive regard for them.

"The best thing 'bout tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before?
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find"

Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade

How to make a relationship work...

"Bottom line: It's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something. "
-Scrubs, J.D.

If you read this...

You know, for a very long time I've held a grudge against you, from jealously and feeling like I was in your shadow. I felt like others cared more for your screw-ups and faults than they did for my best accomplishments and characteristics. I can't say that I like the person you are and have been to me, but I feel like I can say that I'm not in competition with you anymore. I don't want to compare myself to you anymore, not because I think you may be better, but because I think I've realized that we are just two different people. We have our own accomplishments, journeys, mistakes, choices, and personalities. Yes, there will be times where I still will get angry when I think you have something great and didn't have to work for it or you don't even realize it is there and take it for granted; however, I have realized that I have as just as many blessings as you, just in different forms and that I may have not seen them before because I was envying yours. I think that I may have brought out some of the worst in you and I definitely know that I looked for it when judging you. I'm sorry for that, but please know that as a fellow child of God, I love you...and I forgive you for what you've done to me and hope you do the same for me. As a person, we might not quite click but please know that I do love you and am here if you ever want to call on me. I'm sorry to say this to you like this, but I don't know of any other way you'll see it. You know that this is to you , that is if you read this.

Going away to a better future

I decided to stay at home for my first two years of college, but I have a few friends that are leaving for it. It's hard as I say goodbye to each one and see pictures of their suitcases and new dorms, but I know that they are moving toward a better future. I know we will keep in touch the best we can, but I know that some are going to drift off into their own lives as I will drift off into mine. But for all of my friends that are leaving, I have high hopes for them and I can't wait to see pictures of them as graduates of colleges, universities and soon doing the career they are working toward now.

In hopes of better futures

-That Random Ninja

What I don't want

I met him.

I went on a date with him.

I hugged him.

I kissed him.

I fell in love with him.

I am planning a future with him.

What I don't want?

I don't want to ever lose him.

From the in-love, proud-to-be-his, can't-wait-for-forever-with-him,
     That Random Ninja♥

RE:

In addition to the post i just made, i understand if one parent is not fit to be a parent or spouse due to abuse or negligence. and other circumstances

Parents are a unity not units.

My parents divorced when i was one and my mother's parents divorced when she was young. In both generations the children lived with their mother and had visitation with their fathers. My Grandma has told me stories of when she was struggling to put food on the table for herself and her four children and those children would come home from visitations with their dad and show off the mcdonalds trinkets to her saying "look what daddy got us!" all the while, making her feel 2 inches big.
I heard my brother scream that he hated my mom and wish he were with his dad growing up and i myself had the feelings that i had to always choose between the 2 parents.

Never will my child have to choose between their parents. my husband will realize beforehand that marriage is for a lifetime and i wont accept divorce. I will be treated right as a woman should and i will care for him as a man should be cared for but we will be seen as an unity from our kids. Not as mom or dad but 'my parents.' together.

It has been a very nice day at the beach. Today, after tending to the house, we went to the shore for a few hours. It was sunny and bright and the water was warm. Oh, it was so lovely today!

I also had alot of fun playing around with Unkie Dusty and jumping off the back of the boat. The water was so calm but the current was really strong. I got some sun but I'm not burnt.

I'm glad we get to go for a full day tomorrow and half a day on Sunday. I'd like to stay longer but I have work and I miss Scruffy. I wish he were here with me. He loves the beach and I miss him so much. Maybe next time he can come. I hope so. I keep seeing all these couples and it reminds me that he's not by my side right now. :(

Well I need sleep for more fun in the sun tomorrow!

Only about an hour left before I hit the beach with Unkie dusty=)

Just a simple statement about beauty.

    I have the feeling I might lose some of the few followers that I have, but I come in peace. 

     A few months ago, I made a post about my Self Improvement Plan. A few girls have been interested in my blog because of those post. Also, I am making this particular statement due to some of the blogs I have ran into on this site. 

   I want everyone to know that this Plan is not to get skinny. It's not to lose weight. It's not to fit into a size X. It's to better myself. It's to become healthy and to make better choices in my life. 

   I really want people to realize that before they make changes to themselves and their body, they have to LOVE THEMSELVES AS THEY ARE. They need to realize that no matter what size they are, or what their I.Q. is, or what the number on the scale is, that THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. They need to accept themselves as they are and who they are. They need to be comfortable with their body, every hair, every stretch mark, every pound, before they can make true, healthy changes in their lifestyles

    Also, make sure you know who and what you are making the changes for. For your family? Your boss? Your boyfriend? Jealousy of a friend? Competition with someone? These are not good motivations for yourself. They aren't from the heart and will be harder to follow though with. Also, when you do that, you put those things before yourself. Is jealousy worth more than you? Or is some competition? Is what your enemy told you worth more to you than yourself? Is what some stranger said? No. It's not. Not worth starving yourself, or removing food from yourself, or over pushing yourself. You should make changes for YOU. To be a healthier you, a stronger you. A you that's good at sports, can dance. A you that makes healthy choices. To be a you that you would love to be. 

Remember to always, ALWAYS, love yourself.

Story of a Boy and a Girl and God.

This is the story of  a boy, a girl, and God.

     There once was a boy, handsome, charming, warmed the sun with his smile. The boy was led by God and knew that Christ was his Savior.

    One day, he met a girl. She was beautiful in many ways, but she didn't know. She knew the love of God and Jesus. She accepted Christ as her Savior, but never really did much more than that. That was until the God used the boy to show her how she was beautiful. 

   He helped her understand that she was one of God's creations, one of his beloved children. He encourage her to church, where she was shown some more of the Word of God. 

   Over time, the boy and girl fell in love. He was her strong arms and she was his gentle embrace. They dealt with struggles, daily, but they led their life by the Lord. 

    Together, they faced their difficulties in the name of the Lord and overcame them. They heard the Word, understood it and spread it. They knew that "with God, all things are possible." -Mathew 19:26

    They lived a happy life where they both knew the love of the Father, the Son, and each other.

   

Would you abandon a relationship when it got tough or would you get past it and strengthen the relationship? If you wouldn't abandon that earthly relationship, why would you abandon your relationship with Christ when things get hard? Don't walk away from Him but run to Him. Strengthen your relationship with Christ.

Manipulating Color

I did a little "remodeling" in my room since ive actually been home all day. Scruffy's gone to the beach with friends so i get i week to myself. i miss him terribly. We hung out alot the week before to kind of make up for the loss but I don't know...I almost feel that i miss him more now...but it'll be okay. He'll be back in a week. Itll just be a little tough until then...

In the meantime i am getting to do some house stuff that I've been needing to do. Day one and I have installed 2 dvd stands, hung 4 picture frames, put in a stand for my mirror and washed-and dried- four loads of laundry (and watched 6 episodes of buffy the vampire slayer). Tomorrow, I am thinking of installing "hanging" bookshelves and I'm visiting my future college to be.

P.S. Here is a picture of one of my triumphs.

Art pieces

Charcoal

Charcoal

Acrylic

Virtual Art

Artist eye - first digital piece

Absence Makes the Heart grow Fonder

Not true. Absence does not make you love someone more.

Absence makes you realize how much you already do love them.

I needed this.

Joshua 1:9
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Cowboy Take me Away by the Dixie Chicks

"I said, "I wanna touch the earth
I wanna break it in my hands
I wanna grow something
Wild and unruly"

I wanna sleep on the hard ground
In the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of blue bonnets
In a blanket made of stars

Oh it sounds good to me+

" I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
And not see a building standing tall

I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles
Except for maybe you
And your simple smile"

2:18 a.m.

Marriage, by scriptural definition is: "The blending together of two lives, two personalities of the opposite sex for as long as the two shall live in this world. It is the building of a home that respects the law of God and protects the morals of mankind."

What I want to do.

After graduating, people always ask next: What are you going to do? Well, I think I know.

I want to become a psychologist. My family picks that I'm going to be their therapist. But,I think I want to be a clinical psychologist who works in a facility that helps people with drug addictions. I bet it's a tough job, but it is an important one. I used to think I wanted to be the therapist for the people who had to deal with the addicted people and were abused emotionally and physically by them. But after learning a little bit more about it, I want to help the abusers. I to take a crack-addicted man who beats his wife and help him become a happy, productive member of society. I want to help the alcoholic widower learn to deal with his loss and live the way his late-wife would have liked him to be and be a good father to the kids his wife had to leave behind. I want to help lift up the fallen.

Tomorrow's Graduation day

Here I am, Class of 2012... I have to say, I don't feel vey different. I feel like tomorrow will be just another day and that diploma will be just another piece of paper. I don't think it has hit me yet.

I think that tomorrow, I will watch my classmates cross that stage and think of how far they've come and how proud I am of my friends. I'll see my teachers one last time and know they helped guide me throughout these past four years and how I'll never be able to thank some of them enough. I will stand on that stage and smile while looking at my family, who has supported me through my years and are there to let me know they are proud and will never stop supporting me. I know I'll step off that stage and thank God for always being there for me even when I was turning away from Him. Tomorrow, I will see how far I've come and begin the journey that will take me to where I'm going.

Remember who your friends are

Remember who your friends are.

 That simple sentence is such strong statement of advice. Remember who your friends are. They are the people who have stood by you when you need them and stood up to you when you were wrong. They are honest to you even when it hurts. They have been your shoulders to cry on and jokes to laugh to. They help you stand when you don't feel like living, and relax when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. They are there to remind you of what you have when you feel you have nothing. They are there to laugh with you, talk with you, get mad at you, and forgive you. They encourage you to be stronger, stand taller, live happier, and cheer for your future. 

And with another strong note of wisdom from my short 17 year old life:

Remember to be a friend to your friends.

A Burst of Self Improvement

So tomorrow, I begin. I really should be drinking water instead of soda or tea due to my tendency to have kidney stones, so tomorrow I begin to drink water if possible, otherwise I'll drink something less kidney stone-inducing.
"
I am going to start working out. No, I don't want to lose weight, I am at a healthy 130 lbs at 5'7." I do want to tone up though. I like when my body feels strong and I found a very cool workout routine that includes kickboxing and a little yoga. Now that I am out of school I can actually work out during the day so I won't risk waking up anyone.

I want to feel strong and stand tall. I want to feel toned. And I will.

The sweet, sweet whisper of Summer

My goodness! Summer is almost here, only a day away for me. I have always loved Summer, the warmth, the freedom, and the late nights. I find nothing more romantic than a summer night sitting by a bonfire looking up at the stars with that special person. I find nothing more fun that a water balloon fight with my friends in the summer heat. I find nothing more relaxing than reading on the beach with my toes in the warm sand. I find almost nothing more amazing than Summer.

FWD: Ugh!!!

Ugh! I dropped my old phone in the toliet so now im using my old phone that sucks=/

Brick by boring Brick by Paramore

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies

Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba ha

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
Or the wolf's gonna blow it down

Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
We'll bury the castle, bury the castle

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

I'm not afraid of getting old.

To be honest, I am not. With age comes new experiences, wisdom, and capabilities you do not have at a younger age. I am okay with turning the number 18, as I will be with the numbers 25, 32, 50, and 81. Age is but a number. I have thought about this before and accept that I will age. And with each passing day, I gain knowledge and experience a brand new day.

I suppose I never took in the downfalls of aging. It is more of the physical attributes of aging that bother me. Now, I am okay with the wrinkles that will one day crease my skin and the dark brown-black hair that will fade into a light gray or white. However, I never truly thought about how my sight with also fade, or how hearing will eventually be difficult. No, I am not old yet nor even close to becoming old, but I have noticed the differences in myself. While being younger than I am today, I could see clearly, and have accurate hearing. Now, I wear reading glasses and infrequently ask people to repeat what they have said. I have aches and pains that my mother used to complain about and think more about my plans for the future and how I plan to live my life. 

Even with these consequences of getting older, I am grateful for the chance to do so. I have decided to age gracefully mentally, now, the physical is a little more out of my control and I will accept (maybe not too quietly) the changes that will happen to my body. But with these changes, I will also accept the new experiences I will be granted, the knowledge I will gain. I promise not to look back at my life when it is at it's end and feel regret. Instead, I will feel proud and wise. I will want to share my knowledge to ones who do not have it yet, and tell my experiences to interested listeners. Most of all, I will feel grateful to the people who helped me in my journey of life, and to God who will have given that life to me and all that is in it.

Priorities

 My mom, whom I live with, has a boyfriend that i cannot stand, Sasquatch. Because of my disdain for him and his drunk outbursts, I refuse to go on trips with them. I spend most of the time away from home because I go to high school and work 20 hours a week. Also, all of my friends have told me they do not want to visit my house because they don't like him and are uncomfortable with him here, so i hang out with Scruffy and any of my friends elsewhere. So, basically, I'm not home much. I don't get to see my mom much and don't get to go on vacations with her,

My step sister, Rebecca, is 19. She isn't graduating this year and she lives with my dad and her mom. She does not have a job, nor her license. She gets rides everywhere from her boyfriend, who pays for almost everything for her but struggles himself, and her mom, who pays for everything he cannot. Rebecca takes her family for granted. She does not hesitate to argue with her mom, and almost never is home. She has done me wrong to the point where i want nothing to do with her and would not if it wouldn't cause problems in the family. In the past, she used to have sisterly moments with me half the time, but then she set me up to make it look like i was trying to steal her boyfriend, and has done countless other things to me. The last straw was when she took my bed out of our room because she said i do not visit enough to keep a bed that takes up space. I have a job that prevents me from visiting at my dad's house or going on vacations with them. To give her the benefit of the doubt, i will say that she does have troubles and her childhood wasn't perfect.

I am going to make a pretty bold and honest statement. I am jealous of Rebecca and that is part of the reason I can't stand her. I am not jealous of her looks or her boyfriend (I don't like him and plus, I have Scruffy ♥). I am envious of the privilege that she gets that I do not. She gets to spend time with her parents. Everyday, she gets to go home and talk to her mom. She can go with her and my dad on vacations. She has time to do that and still see her boyfriend. I hear that she is jealous of me, but for superficial reasons. What pisses me off about this is that she gets all these opportunities and she complains! Anytime, she is guaranteed to have something to complain about! And it kills me because here I am, just wishing I could spend time with my mom on a weekly basis, or even see my dad at all! (I am a daddy's girl by the way).  She goes to the beach with her parents  many times a year without even a second of gratitude, and I work hard to be able to even speak to my parents several times a week. And then she complains about not getting this shirt or obeying curfew! I know it could be worse, and I know that at this moment I am being no better than her, and I am grateful for what I do get, but to prove my distress over this, I want you guys to know something. For my 18th birthday, I am asking my dad for a 2 day trip to the beach for the two of us. I miss him so much.

Here we are: Prom night

Sorry, it has taken a while to write, I've been busy, but here it is!

Overall, prom night was pretty good. We started off with me going to get my hair done into a beautiful curly updo with a elegant side part, then I went to Scruffy's house to change into my long white dress with two 1-inch straps that made a halter top. The dress had a slit to about knee length and looked very flowy. It was gorgeous. With it, I had silver heels and dangling earrings that were made of diamonds (cubic zirconium). My dress was white and i am very tan so it contrasted very well. Scruffy was already into his veryyyy handsome black tux with silver vest and bowtie. Man, I thought that he was hot before, but Scruffy in a tux is just....wow....

Well, we were going off to take pictures with his photographor aunt, but it was a little delayed due to rain (Ugh!) Eventually we go to the park and took some really good pictures under a wooden shelter with the raindrops and greenery behind us. We took some at a garden infront of a nearby chapel. Everyone picks because I was wearing white and everyone knows Scruffy and I are going to be married one day.

With pictures done, we join my friends, Mace and her boyfriend, Gabby and her boyfriend. Scruffy hadn't met most of these before and was nervous, but it turned out good. There were alot of laughs and jokes.

 We then went to prom. That's where things turned a little sour. Scruffy doesn't do nor like things like prom and dances and such, and I'm not crazy about them, but if I have to go I am going to have fun and even dance a little. I only got to dance to two songs with my friend Tierra because all the music was ghetto and raunchy. The whole reason we went to prom was so Scruffy and I could have our slow dance. We didn't get it. I left after they play yet another upbeat ghetto song after announcing the prom royalty.

We went home, where Scruffy put on one of our favorite slow songs and we had our slow dance in his bedroom. It was sweet as could be and it meant so much to me. The song was Smother Me by The Used. We changed and then went to a bowling alley where we met up with Mace and her boyfriend. It was hilarious because everyone sucked so bad, but it was so much fun. We laughed so hard. Eventually Gabby and her boyfriend showed up, and they joined in. We ended up having a great time and Scruffy might have made some new friends. He asked if we could do it again soon so I'm going to try and do that. I like hanging out with my friends and it would be even better with Scruffy there.

Prom stunk but the night was good. I'm glad it happened, even though I wish I could forget the prom part. Well, there it is! prom!

Prom and the Welcoming Commitee

Welcome my new follower! I want to say thanks for following me and reading about my life.:) I hope you enjoy my post. :) Well, Scruffy and I went to prom last night. I don't have much time right now to tell you guys about it, bit I promise I'll make a post all about it later.

Christmas CHRIST'S birthday

Dear people who intently say "Xmas" instead of Christmas because of not believeing in Christ,the abbreviation "Xmas" is of Greek origin. Since the word for Christ in the Greek language is Xristos, which starts with the letter x, they started putting x in the place of Christ to come up with a short form for Christmas. I am aware that some people say it just to shorten the word and i used to but this is intended for the people who attempt to take Christ out of Christmas.

And all it takes is

And all it takes is just a moment with you and like a free bird, i spread my wings and fly away.

And so, today, I sit and think..

In psychology, we learnt that people go through stages of Social Development, introduced by Erik Erikson. According to his theory, people from teens into their 20s, which I fit in, have the crisis of Identity v.s. Role confusion. This is where such persons try different roles and take a bit from each to create one's own identity, or they will have confusion over who they are.

At first, I didn't understand. How can someone not know who they are? But then I started to deeply ponder. I think I understand what Erikson means. Under what do I characterize myself? If I were to die tomorrow, what would the ones who knew me think of me? What influence and impact would I leave behind? And if the good Lord has me live until I am one hundred years old, how would someone describe me? What characteristic or activity would they hear, and think of me?

I think of the phases I have gone through over my short years and my 'permanent' devotion to movies or bands, but not even months later, I have all but forgotten my past fascinations.

So I sit here and think, who have I been? Who will I become? And then the biggest question of all: Who am I?

And as you drink yourself

And as you drink yourself into an angry stupor, I wonder, do you know you are ultimately killing youself?

I dont think the people of this world exactly want someone to love and to love them, although that is something to treasure and to desire, i think they truly just want someone to trust.

I finished my still life in chalk pastel. Im sorry for the crappy picture but what do you think?

Took a lovely little trip and fell...

The trip was going so well. Warm sunshine, a lot of laughter and many magical moments with Scruffy. We caught a pretty good sized bass and a catfish. The last day, I thought that we were going to cook those fish for dinner, so I offered to my mom that Scruffy and I would go to wal-mart to get sides for the fish. She okay-ed it and off we went. The entire day was fine, even though the adults were drinking since noon. Around 7, 7:30, I was sitting around the campfire talking to Scruffy and my brother's, Spike's, friend when my mothers idiot boyfriend (I call him Sasquatch) hollered my name from the porch for me to come help my mom cook. I attempted to finish my statement to Scruffy and Spike's friend and Sasquatch hollered again "Come oooon!" I told him I would finish my thought and be right there. Scruffy told me to just go, it would make it easier if i just went ahead and went, so I went inside to help my mom, I thought. I found out that I really was going to stand against the refrigerator while she drunkenly slurred at me that 'this was all my fault, she didn't wanna cook tonight, this was all my idea, etc.' I told her I'd clean up the kitchen afterward since this was apparently 'all my fault.' 

  Shortly after, Scruffy, Spike, and Spikes friend came inside and Sasquatch and Mom stopped their complaining. Everything was done, except for the tator tots I said I would cook. I put them in the oven and went to go sit in the living room with the boys. Scruffy could tell i was upset and wrapped his arms around me while I sat next to him on the couch. Apparently my mom started to clean something and Sasquatch told her to stop because I was going to clean everything. 

    Then, the idiot yelled my name at me, "THAT RANDOM NINJA!" He had never been so stupid before as to directly yell at me so I raised my voice and snapped "What!?!" 

   He never answered because my mom smacked his arms and said, "Don't yell at her like that! You are not her father! I've given her enough crap tonight."

    He just muttered, "Okay. Yeah. Fine!" Afterward, he left me alone. He refused to sit near me at dinner (yay for me :)) and wouldn't even come close enough to get his alcoholic drink sitting next to me. At this point I was very happy, but still upset about my mom earlier. Scruffy finished first but instead of going of with Spike's friend, he stayed with me. He even helped me clean afterward. We finished up and headed off to sit with Spike's friend. From outside, we could hear Sasquatch yell obscenities during some argument about his snoring that was going on inside. Once things got quiet, we headed in for bed because we were tired. Sasquatch fell asleep sitting at the dinning room table and my mom was on the couch where I slept, so I woke her up. 

   The trouble started when she tried to wake up the idiot and he began to sway and couldn't even stand up on his own. She asked he he wanted help getting to be and he just kept repeating "it hurts" and "go away." Spike, who he doesn't get along with, was standing near so he began to raise his voice and say "Get the F* away." He started drunkenly hobble-ing to the front door and my mom asked where he was going.

 "Going to smoke a cigarette if that's okay with you!" he snapped. She scoffed and held her hands up. Scruffy thought he hit Spike because Sasquatch hit the refrigerator on his way out and Spike stepped forward.  He left but apparently stayed close by the door because he heard Spike say to Mom, "I thought we talked about cutting back on the drinking." 

   Sasquatch heard this and yelled "F* you Spike! You don't know what F*ing pain is! You dont' F*ing know anything!" He came back in and continue to yell so Spike went off to his room. My mom then started to tell him to shut up but he kept yelling "You don't know and F*ing thing! I'm tired of it! F* you, Spike! You F*ing little S*!"

  Then my mom started in and she was about to hit him while yelling back, "You don't talk that way about my son! You shut up! You don't talk that way about him!" but my aunt, who is a lieutenant at a prison, stepped in and split them up while he shouted "I'm just saying the truth!" 

  My aunt told him to shut up before she bopped both of them. He kept on and she lost her temper. She slammed her hand on the table and got in his face with her finger and demanded that he shut up of she would knock him. He told her to  do it but he then shut up. She commanded, "Now go to bed and sleep the drunk off."

   He went into the bedroom and pulled out the already blown up camper air mattress and drug it through the kitchen, while knocking into the table and chairs, and took it out the door and onto the porch. On his way, he said "I'll sleep outside so y'all won't have to hear my F*ing snoring." After he stepped out, my mom went behind him and closed and locked the door.

  "Good riddance!" she said and thing started calming down. My aunt told us sorry, and so did my mom, but my aunt also said the idiot would say sorry to the kids the next morning when he was sober. She had me and Scruffy sleep in their room, in the two seperate beds, and she and my mom would sleep in the living room in case he tried to come in during the night. I started a panick attack and was shaking really bad. It was scaring Scruffy but I told him it'd be fine and he should just try to make me laugh to help calm me down. After I was calm enough, we went to sleep. 

   In the morning, there was no signs of him trying to get in during the night, and when they unfortunately woke him up, he acted as if the night before never happened. We never got an apology out of him.

    I've started talking to my mom about slowing down and maybe even stopping the drinking, but I don't know how that's going to go. Scruffy's mom has been there for me a lot and on here, I've decided to call her Second Mommie. When Scruffy and I told her the events of the trip, she advised that I might have to get real tough on mom. I might have to give her the ultimatum that either Sasquatch has to go, or I will leave for my dad's and Spike will move into his. I don't know what i think about that, but the idea hurts. I don't want it to get that bad. I just have to wait and see if I can work with my mom about the alcohol. Please pray for us.

Today has been much better than this morning=)

My mom yelled at her boyfriend so he wont sleep in the livingroom tonight=) yay! i get to sleep!

we caught 2 fish today and were trying for more tomorrow. we rented 2 coanoes and they have been so much fun! i am sore though.

the water was too cold to swim but i promised Scruffy that i would swim with him tomorrow so im really hoping that the water will be warm.

last night me and Scruffy had a deep talk on the dock. I told him some of how i feel about my moms boyfriend. It was real upsetting but i feel like i can depend on Scruffy for anything.

now we are sitting next to the fire again and waiting for hamburgers off the grill. I am hungry! but its a good moment bieng with him and joking with my family=)

The trip has been doing okay.

Scruffy was supposed to sleep on the airmattress in the living and i on the couch. I guess my moms idiot boyfriend thought we were gonna do something bad and slept on another air mattress in the livingroom. This would be fine i guess if he didnt holler and talk and constantly moove in his sleep so i didnt get to sleep until four in the morning. I came out here on the dock to enjoy this foggy morning view...

he just walked up talking to me.

Im sitting out here with

Im sitting out here with my family and scruffy next to me by the romantic fire at sunset. Such a perfect moment...

We just got to the cabin we are staying at for spring break! look at the view!

Explanation

I reckon I should explain the post I made a few days ago...

I wasn't going to put too personal information on this blog, but then I remembered my anonymity and also the reason I started this blog. I want to work past the past and help myself.

Throughout my life my mom would tell me how useless I was, how worthless, how I wasn't doing something good enough. It's really hurt and eventually I gave up trying. I stopped doing homework, stopped paying attention in class. I did no housework whatsoever. I had decided I wasn't going to keep trying for something I never was going to reach. A few years after is when I started to self harm. I would cut with razors, and pierce needles through my skin. I always made sure I made the scars look random or hid them well enough so no one would see. It got much worse once my mom started dating her current boyfriend. He is a drunk, and an imbecile. She started making worse decisions for herself. She started to smoke again, and drank every night. There were times I would come home on the weekends and she would be passed out on the couch and I would cover her with a blanket. We argued all the time and had no relationship at all. I went from cutting maybe once a month to several times a week. No one ever found out, but eventually my mom actually noticed my depression. She, who before fought to the end to have me in her custody. no matter the price, then offered to let me live with my dad. I refused. I wanted to be nearby in case the guy ever tried to hurt her. From his anger flares and his drinking, I could tell he would lose his temper one day. (He hasn't yet but I'm still prepared). I made a new friend at school who I got close to, Mace, and eventually stopped self harming. I started doing stuff for myself. I straightened up my room once in a while and started working on my grades. Then, I started dating Mace's emo cousin, and told him and her about my problems. No one believed me about my mom. She always is so nice and loving in front of guests. I began to cut again. I cut myself for the last time on July 30th, 2010, two days before my 16th birthday, when he broke up with me. I had decided beforehand that that was going to be the last time. So, I made a deep 1 inch cut along my left arm. I put in a obvious place to remind myself of what I've been through and to never do it again. About a year and a half later and the scar is still very visible, but that was my purpose.

Since then I haven't cut and I'm trying to better things for myself. I try to keep my grades up and keep my room clean. I've even been working on my relationship with my mom. We can talk sometimes now without the screaming and arguing. I have told the important people in my life, except for my dad and mom. I don't know how many believe me, but no one straight up tells me they don't believe me anymore. I've been getting better.

However, I have low self esteem about meeting expectations. So being told I'm not doing something right or not being good enough, and especially being told that I'm worthless really gets to me. I know the first two are to help do better next time, but it makes me wonder, "Will I ever be good enough?"

The day of that post was a bad day for me. I was being told that I wasn't doing enough, or doing well enough left and right and from many different people. I had felt like maybe my mom was right. I know now otherwise, but it still makes me feel like that. And even so, even with all the logic in the world, I still have to wonder, "Am I worthless?"

Funny picture #2

Poem for Scruffy<3

Blonde hair great shoulders and a scruffy chin.
my crush my love and my friend.
i am here for you now
and will be until the end

with you i feel free
and i feel a love that all can see.
and i thank the Lord
for He is the reason we are we

i just cant believe its true
that i get to be with you.
that you have all my love
and that you love me too<3

Happy Ressurection day and Easter!!!

Happy Ressurection day and Easter!!!
(\/)
( ',')
c(")(")

Sorry im not good enough.

Sorry im not good enough. in anything. Sorry i argued with you about it. You were right.

Almost..

The car I have now needs new brake pads. My dad says they've crystalized and the jerk and skip to a stop.

Well this morning I was driving behind an suv that was following another suv. Suddenly the first suv stopped and turned into the driveway, making the second suv slam on brakes. Seeing sudden brake lights and coming 45 mph at a stopped suv made me slam on the brakes. Well I didn't think I was going to stop in time. I was slowing down but I was still gonna hit the suv. However, I heard and felt a sudden clunk in the brake pedal, and the tires started squealing and I quickly stopped about 6 feet from the suv!! I don't know what the clunk was but now my brakes work fine with no skipping whatsoever. I'm glad but I wonder if the sudden stop damaged the brakes or car.... Thank God my bro and I are okay though.

P.S. I need to remember to do a dedication to the two new followers I have! Yay, I am so happy to have followers. :)

April 3, 2012

Today was pretty good, but not too much happened. Ducky is okay, which is definitely good.

 I realized how much i need to work on my art portfolio, but as of now, I realized I have 13 out of the 24 I need by May. I have five concentration pieces and 8 breadth pieces. Hopefully I can get enough pieces done by the deadline and maybe even pass AP Art. =]

I might have bombed a Psychology test today. I know I did great on the multiple choice but I know I only got three out of eight points on the free response questions. I really love psychology so this is really getting to me, but I know my mistakes weren't because I didn't know the material, it is because I was thinking too broadly. Maybe I can do test corrections.

I woke make-up today. I want to wear it again tomorrow so Scruffy can see it. He says my eyes make him melt so he really likes it when I do extra to make them stand out.

Well, I decided to wash the car I got to replace my neon that I wrecked back in February: Attack of the Car. Well, this is the first time I've washed it since I got it and it was gross! It was like the last owners had the car sitting in the bottom of a pond! Muck was in every crease! But now it looks like a brand new car. I just got it all nice and dry and shiny and then Plop! a raindrop. It started to rain. Oh well, at least it'll look better than before.

There is this little song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
Like good little children
Don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say
In your life expect some trouble
But when you worry
You make it double
Don't worry, be happy......
Don't worry don't do it, be happy
Put a smile on your face
Don't bring everybody down like this
Don't worry, it will soon past
Whatever it is
Don't worry, be happy

Don't worry, be Happy by Bobby McFerrin

He's okay =)

So the good news is my friend( i shally call him ducky) is still alive. he says he isnt going to kill himself but he says he feels hes being forced to live. things arent any better for him than last year when he talked about suicide and i told a teacher but he says hes trying to make things better. this is the first time weve really talked since then and im glad we are cool again tho i know he still doesnt trust me. he says its better when he talks to someone he knows. im going to do my best to be there for him and pray that one day he will be truly happy =)

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Help! Suicide!

I am texting a friend right now who has been contemplating suicide. Help and tips?Please?

Detailed Steps of Progression

Okay, so I've decided that my Self Improvement Plan will begin this upcoming Monday. I am going to put in as many affects in as I can starting as of now, but won't buckle down until Monday. So I thought of how exactly I am going to pull of this plan in the most basic steps. Here's what I have:

• Grab 2 bottles of water on my way out the door to school so I can have one for breakfast and one for lunch. Also, take one from the downstairs refrigerator to the upstairs  one so I will have one at night after work and can't use that excuse to grab a glass of tea. Last, I am going to stop taking money to school so I can't buy a soda when I am there. 
• Reading a chapter in the Bible can be done at anytime but I hope to do it around the same time every day so it can become a routine.
• I decided that my 'bedtime' will be 11 pm each night, that way, I can get up after my 7 and 1/2 hours of sleep at 6:30 am in the morning, do my 30 minutes of cardio, get a shower and still have time for breakfast at home before going to school.
• I am going to stop by the store tomorrow to pick up 'veggies on the go' and ask my mom to get bread for sandwiches and fruits for lunch.
• Have a budget on how much I can spend each week. $20 per week on extras, not including gas. And this is only for if I do buy something, which now I will stop buying things other than necessities. 

Alright! Here I go guys! 

P.S. I am going to redesign my blog so it will be lighter and not so dark and such, so be expecting some changes tonight!

P.S.S. Thanks to my supporters out there! =) Y'all rock.

Mobile blogging!

Well I found this cool article that helped me set up my blog so I could post from my phone! Cool, huh? Well if you guys would like to post on the go too then here is the article to hel you out:

First mobile post!

I have officially joined the mobile blogging world. My first mobile post will be of my art! yay! still working on this piece though...Any advice?

The Hunger Games: Om Nom Nom

Scruffy and I went to see The Hunger Games tonight and it was.....AWESOME! There was such a good balance of humor, romance, suspense, drama and action. The special effects were great the entire movie. The only complaints were that the camera was moved around to much in the beginning and Scruffy said he heard a statement against God in it and if so then that's not okay, but I didn't hear it so we don't know if it was there or not. The movie did so well to grasp each personality of each character. Also, it made you feel. Throughout the movie I got angry, or happy, or sad, I even cried like 3 tears! I do not cry in public so this is big. Must see. Must see! MUST SEE!

Probably Tuesday, I will post my thoroughly thought-out plan for the Self Improvement Plan and how to go about each step. Thanks to my supporters out there! 

P.S. I got a Wild Honeysuckle candle today and it smells amazing! 

"I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so f****** far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind"

Hate me by Blue October

Changes to make room for Opportunity

Okay, here is Step 2 on my Self Improvement Plan: to make a list of the things in my life that I need to change in order to reach my ideal selfy.

• Study at least one chapter in the Bible each day. Only one, it should be easy and help a lot.
• Take time in my prayers, don't just make them quick and easy.
• When I make a decision, I need to stick to it and prevent myself from procrastination
• Go to sleep at a set time each night. 
• Stop wasting money on extra stuff, like a movie or video game.
• Eat at home more often.
• Go for a 30 min cardio routine each day, and maybe even work out some.
• Get more on-the-go vegetables for lunch instead of tv dinners, eat more fruit and maybe a bagel in the morning instead of pop tarts.
• Make more stuff at home.
• Drink water and only water, (helps out the kidney stones too)

Aiight, Guys, I'll update with any progress I've made and you do the same=)

Plans of an Opportunity

Here, I am fulfilling Step 1 in my Self Improvement Plan as stated in my last post, "Opportunity" Bascially, step one is to make a list of your ideal self. Here it is:

• Become a more faithful and knowing Chirstian
• Be more dedicated to the decisions I make in life
• Pass all my senior year classes
• Get enough sleep
• Save over $300 by my birthday (August 1st)
• Tone up (I am not uncomfortable about my weight, I just want to tone up and get in shape)
• Eat healthier.

Well, there's my list. I made it short and simple so I don't overload myself. Wish me luck!

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

Man in the Mirror by Micheal Jackson

Opportunity

I am currently following the blog, "http://thisisthecollapserightnow.blogspot.com" And right now, the author is going through some stages of self improvement, and it is certainly inspirational. Her most recent post," The Secret to Happiness - Get Your Blog Promoted to Over 650 Users on Blogger!" Where she states her progress in her own self improvement and then encourages others to do the same. In her list of steps, she says, 

"Steps Involved in Becoming Happy
Step One: Write a list.
State what is involved in your ideal self, what you would like to achieve, what it would take to make you happy.
Step Two: Write a second list.
State who you currently are, what you need to change to reach list one, the things in your life that are making you unhappy.
Step Three: Work On It
Slowly, work your way up to your ideal self. Change the things that are making you unhappy, and start doing this that would delight you."

Then she encourages the self-improver to dedicate blog posts to document our progress. So the next few post are going to be plans and such for my own self improvement. So, cheer me on world, 'cause here I  go!

P.S. Comment if you plan on being a part of self improvement so I can follow you and cheer you on too!

Promises that Bind, Promises that Break

Due to my childhood and my trust issues, I have always been wary about making promises. I feel they carry much more weight than people believe. "I promise. " is thrown around too often and carelessly now a days, I think. 

I rarely make promises. When I do, I try to keep them, but I have dismissed a few during my high school years. I have dismissed the one to my ex-friend, that he could call me whenever he need help, when I found out he was only my friend because he thought I "was gonna give him some p****." (His words, not mine). I suppose I dismissed the one to my ex, that I would always be there for him any time he needed me. I did this when I finished our friendship that we had after our breakup because that friendship was jeopardizing my current relationship, and I knew I was going to have to make a choice. I feel terrible about this because he once told me, while crying on the phone, during our friendship, that I was the only one he could really talk to about the stuff in his life and be real with.

Even though I 'dismissed' those promises, I feel they still bind me. The ones who i made those promises to never relieved me from them. So, if the ex-friend asked for my help, if he could contact me without me hanging up on him or walking away, I would still feel as I must keep my promise or break it. With the ex-boyfriend, if he was desperate enough to actually ask me for my help, I would help him, but make sure Scruffy would be aware and okay with it. 

I have broken some promises too. I promised one of my friends I could keep his secret, but found out his secret was that he was thinking about suicide. I, after a lot of mental arguing with myself, told one of my teachers who contacted a guidance counselor. He later told me to remind him to never trust me again. I broke my promise to Scruffy when I told him that I wasn't keeping anything from him about the night I said goodbye to Stone.  This is one of the biggest regrets of my life.

 Promises mean a lot and they carry a lot with them. Don't take them lightly and Be careful who you make them too and what those promises are.

If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me 

The Promise by Tracy Chapman

Meme

I call my great-grandmother, "Meme." My entire family does. 

When my mom was 14, she ran from home, to her divorced father. He shut the door in her face, so she made home with Meme and her husband. They humbly took her in and became like second parents to her. She was very close to both, until about 7 years ago, Meme's husband died from old age. We called him Papa Louie. After his death, their three kids only worried about what was in the will for them.  The effects of the will are not be put into place until the passing of his wife. Therefore, the argument was brutal, but short. Over the years, my mom visited Meme every Sunday and got her groceries and anything else she needed. Until she was no longer able to go out, my mom took her to go eat her favorite food, Chinese food. 

For years she has said that she's been ready to go home and didn't understand why God was keeping her here any longer. She has made the best of the time He has given her, nonetheless. My mom's uncle found her on Monday morning, unconscious. She was taken to the hospital where she was said to have Congestive Heart Failure. I found this out from my cousin that night. I didn't want to tell my mom that over the phone so I left her a note to wake me up before she went to work because I had something to Tuesday, I came home to her crying. She told me that they had taken Meme off life support and she was still alive but she wasn't expected to be here much longer. I know that was tearing my mom apart so she said she would go visit her in the hospital the next morning (which would be this morning). I arrived home from school today and found her at home instead of work. She told me that Meme has passed away. I asked if she got the chance to see her, but she said Meme died around midnight last night. 

I know that Meme is in a better place with the Lord, but I know it's going to kill my mom to deal with this. She said that the worst part for her was that she didn't get to say goodbye due to the way everything was handled. I fear it is going to get worse because the children will fight over what will be given to them out of the will.

Please remember us in your prayers. My mom is going to need it so much.

Latest Art Piece

This is a still life that I set up and created with charcoal. So no one else will claim it, I used a crappy picture and captioned on it, "property of that random ninja" hahaha hope you enjoy!

By the way, the still life includes my phone, converses, a paint bottle, and a bible with Matthew 19:26 engraved on it.