Explanation

I reckon I should explain the post I made a few days ago...

I wasn't going to put too personal information on this blog, but then I remembered my anonymity and also the reason I started this blog. I want to work past the past and help myself.

Throughout my life my mom would tell me how useless I was, how worthless, how I wasn't doing something good enough. It's really hurt and eventually I gave up trying. I stopped doing homework, stopped paying attention in class. I did no housework whatsoever. I had decided I wasn't going to keep trying for something I never was going to reach. A few years after is when I started to self harm. I would cut with razors, and pierce needles through my skin. I always made sure I made the scars look random or hid them well enough so no one would see. It got much worse once my mom started dating her current boyfriend. He is a drunk, and an imbecile. She started making worse decisions for herself. She started to smoke again, and drank every night. There were times I would come home on the weekends and she would be passed out on the couch and I would cover her with a blanket. We argued all the time and had no relationship at all. I went from cutting maybe once a month to several times a week. No one ever found out, but eventually my mom actually noticed my depression. She, who before fought to the end to have me in her custody. no matter the price, then offered to let me live with my dad. I refused. I wanted to be nearby in case the guy ever tried to hurt her. From his anger flares and his drinking, I could tell he would lose his temper one day. (He hasn't yet but I'm still prepared). I made a new friend at school who I got close to, Mace, and eventually stopped self harming. I started doing stuff for myself. I straightened up my room once in a while and started working on my grades. Then, I started dating Mace's emo cousin, and told him and her about my problems. No one believed me about my mom. She always is so nice and loving in front of guests. I began to cut again. I cut myself for the last time on July 30th, 2010, two days before my 16th birthday, when he broke up with me. I had decided beforehand that that was going to be the last time. So, I made a deep 1 inch cut along my left arm. I put in a obvious place to remind myself of what I've been through and to never do it again. About a year and a half later and the scar is still very visible, but that was my purpose.

Since then I haven't cut and I'm trying to better things for myself. I try to keep my grades up and keep my room clean. I've even been working on my relationship with my mom. We can talk sometimes now without the screaming and arguing. I have told the important people in my life, except for my dad and mom. I don't know how many believe me, but no one straight up tells me they don't believe me anymore. I've been getting better.

However, I have low self esteem about meeting expectations. So being told I'm not doing something right or not being good enough, and especially being told that I'm worthless really gets to me. I know the first two are to help do better next time, but it makes me wonder, "Will I ever be good enough?"

The day of that post was a bad day for me. I was being told that I wasn't doing enough, or doing well enough left and right and from many different people. I had felt like maybe my mom was right. I know now otherwise, but it still makes me feel like that. And even so, even with all the logic in the world, I still have to wonder, "Am I worthless?"