All I want is to know...

I know my ex-step-father abused me at some point. After hearing the tale from 3 different eyewitnesses, I can't deny that he picked me up by my throat when I five or six or maybe even seven. I don't remember this, even though I remember the times before and after that where he brutally beat my mom.

I have shown similar behaviors that women who were raped or molested when they were children. I grew up with an intense dislike for boys and afraid to trust any person. I was introverted and talked to as few people as possible. Once I actually started dating, I struggled being emotionally close to a guy, much less physically. With my first boyfriend, it was hard to get where we could hold hand. We kissed only twice over the 11 months we dated, and that was where he kissed me on valentines day after we dated for nine months. I couldn't get myself to kiss him. When I began dating scruffy, I held back. I was a little more comfortable with him and I even held his hand first. I think what really made me think i might have been messed with as a kid and don't remember, was when I mistakenly lost my virginity, I didn't bleed like most girls. I know it could happen to anyone, but it was all the before plus that.

When I talk about it with Scruffy, him being the only one i really talk to about it, we say that we think I was messed with. We don't use the real terms because it's just too harsh, but you know what? I admit it. I wonder if I was raped or sexually abused as a child. If so, I've come to where I can accept it, but I just want to know. Did it happen or not?