Sick from the Lie

I wrote this in class 2 days after I finally told Scruffy the truth.

I lied. There's no denying that. I lied for about half a year. I was good at it. I could have gotten away with it, but I wanted to be finally honest with him. I should have been all along. I should have listened when my insides were eating me from the inside out to tell the truth.It wouldn't have hurt him so much. I wish I could take it back, that I wouldn't have betrayed him. I wouldn't have made him feel like a fool, and I wouldn't have hurt him like this. I wouldn't have crushed his trust in me like that.

I feel sick. And Raw. I wish I were beaten. Physical pain would be so much better than knowing how much I've hurt him, knowing that he will probably never trust me as he did before. It would be better than having him talk to me like this, like he doesn't trust me. like he doesn't even know who I am anymore...I feel sick. Disgusting, dirty, unworthy, a liar....I feel like my mother was right. I am worthless.

Moments before I told him the truth he told me how he couldn't be in a bad mood around me cause I just make him happy. He looked at me as if he was full of love, happiness and pride just to be with me...my biggest fear is that he'll never look at me like that again.