Feeling down

    Yeah, that random ninja has the blues. I found out that my car is not fixable. When I looked under the hood, it looked like the battery and motor were having intimate relations. Things are just bugging me. 

   Me and scruffy. It's not that we aren't getting along, but we are both frustrated with the situation and the restrictions that come with it. When we're are together, it's like we are trying to focus on the romance more and that's great, but when we are apart and missing each other PLUS being frustrated, I guess we are really feeling the pressure now....Now being away from him is even worse than before...I miss him so much.

   School. Well, I'm not putting as much effort into my art as I'd like to be. It's my own fault. But maybe I'm growing tired of it. It's becoming more of a responsibility than a hobby.

   Church. I'm not mad or upset with church. No. But if I don't have a car of my own to drive, then I have no way to get to church. That is NOT okay with me.

   Work. Not getting as many hours as I've wanted to. I need them now to buy a new friggin' car. They made one of the newest servers there a shift supervisor. Now she's acting like she's above us and I just wanna....grr.

   Future. Getting into college, paying for college, still gonna live with my mom through college until I marry Scruffy, then onto running my own house, paying bills....I just wanna go back to when I could play on the Play Place at McDonald's.

   Sleep. Not getting much of it but when I do...the nightmares come around. I hate them. They leave me in a cold sweat, crying, and afraid.

    Maybe I'm just pms-ing. I don't know what it is but I hate it and I need for things to go smoothly, even if for just a little while. Maybe I need someone to slap some sense into me and to tell me to stop belly aching. 

Attack of the Car

I was ATTACKED!!!...Well, really I was in a car accident on Sunday. My first and hopefully my last ever. That was so scary and frightening. I was pulling out of the back of Wal-mart near a sharp curve on the road I was turning onto. Well, it was raining, but I went to pull out and looked just in time to see a car coming at me. I tried to hit the brakes but my car never stopped. CRASH! I was hit. I am okay, God made sure I didn't get hurt, but I learned that I actually will scream in moments of crisis. (Thank you God). I never scream when I am scared but I sure screamed when I saw that car coming for me. My car is in the shop now and I don't know yet for how long. The other people were okay. I was a little sore but now I'm just mainly mad. I'm angry because I feel like there could be something that I could have done, but when I replay it in my mind, I feel I did everything I could. Here is the damage:

P.S. Scruffy is complaining about his name.... He says it's not manly enough. I will admit he is definitely a masculine man, but a sensitive sweetheart too. Maybe his name isn't masculine enough to describe him....Maybe I should change his name...

Valentine's Gifts from Scruffy =]

 I don't have a name for him yet, but he's adorable...=]

 ♥♥♥ I love this painting! =) Our favorite memories are in the vines, his is when we were at the beach, mine is at the park. The top lyrics are to Broken by Seether, (his song to me) and the bottom lyrics are to Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, which we had our first kiss to. ♥♥♥

I LOVE candles!

Funny Picture #1

Valentines Leftovers!

First, my school isn't blocking the Internet anymore. Yay! Midday blogs!

Second, I forgot to tell you guys what Scruffy and I got for each other for Valentines day. I made him a booklet that I painted and wrote lyrics and quote. I also gave him my favorite stuffed animal dog named cookie, and a giant gummy bear. He got me a giant stuffed dog that I slept with last night, his Chinese zodiac necklace, a painting of our two favorite memories, and a candle set focused on hearts. I love it all.
I will take pictures and post them on here for you guys. Well I've told you guys what I got for valentines day and what I did. What did you get and what did you guys do? This counts for Singles Appreciation Day too. :)

My other blog for God

Read it! Follow it!

http://listen2godsword.blogspot.com

She's in love with the boy♥

     We had a wonderful Valentines today. I dressed up and everyone said I looked nice and you wouldn't believe how HANDSOME Scruffy looked! He is so gorgeous. We went out to dinner, and then stopped by Sears because I wanted to look at clothes and got a new white baby-T. I am trying to wear more white because it's fresh and goes with almost anything. We headed to my house and then his. We made mistakes, but they were neither just my or just his fault. We both screwed up, but I hope it didn't ruin our Valentine's Day for him. It was a great night and I had a great time. I love that boy more than I, he, nor anyone could imagine.♥

She's in love with the boy by Trisha Yearwood

Frustrations of a High School student

During my free period I like to listen to music and look up the lyrics, all on my Ipod. HOWEVER, my school has decided to make it where you need a password and username to use the wifi! ARGGGG And today I actually need to for Scruffy's Valentine's Day gift. Yay it's Valentine's Day or, Singles Appreciation Day!....I didn't realize those intials spell out S.A.D. ohhh....awkward.

Don't threaten my Valentines Day

So, I woke up an hour early than when I wanted to, with this horrible pain in my stomach. Thinking that I might just have to use the restroom, I went but that wasn't the case. Deciding there was nothing left for me to help it, I went back to bed. Later, when I got up I was feeling nauseous and when I was getting my lunch together, I saw the food and started getting sick. I called my mom I'd wait for thirty minutes and then see if I could take my bro to school. I drank some water and it stayed down so we left. The car ride was...not good so I dropped my brother off and went home. The one time I tried to eat something, I got sick. I had to call into work. I hope I can go to school tomorrow or my mom might not let me go out with Scruffy for Valentines Day.

I can't wait for Valentine's day! Scruffy went and got a shirt and tie. He sent me a preview picture with his black pants and shirt and white tie. He looks so handsome but I bet he looks even better in person. Awww, my gorgeous little Scruffy. =) I'm dressing up too. It's a cute red dress with black flowers and Scruffy loves it. I'm wearing some heels with it. We are going to this Mongolian grill that I know of. This is our first Valentine's together and his first one ever. I hope to make it one he'll never forget.

And so I am praying that I get better quickly and get to see Scruffy tomorrow. Dear sickness, DON'T THREATEN MY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Happily in love with Scruffy

So as I am typing this I am comfortably lying in Scruffy's bed. We argued and talked and prayed and now everything is okay again. :) Yes I hurt him badly and he can't trust me the same now as he did before. But!!! If I work hard at it and be completely honest with him with everything, which I should have been all along, maybe I can earn his trust back. He still loves me and seems happy and that's the best thing to me.

We had to argue it out. I had to tell him everything that happened that night and anything else that I've kept from him. One of his agreements was that I had to tell my mom, thinking she would ground me, but unsurprisingly, my aloof mother didn't care that I snuck out. I had to answer any questions he had and hear how bad I hurt him and why it hurt him. In the end, I wrote him a letter telling him everything in detail from which I could remember, anything else I lied or kept secrets about, and what I planned to do to make it all better. And after a very long week, we are okay and I spent the night at his house and we are focusing into romance and making our makeouts more loving than lustful. :)

Scruffy's and my first valentines day is coming up. I'm so excited and even decided to wear a dress. I would tell you guys what I'm doing for Scruffy but he said that he might start reading my blog now so he might would find out and I can't have that.

I hope he does read my blog. Then, he might get an inkling of an idea of how much I love him! Now I just gotta wait for his cute butt to get up and 'wake' me up. :)

Sick from the Lie

I wrote this in class 2 days after I finally told Scruffy the truth.

I lied. There's no denying that. I lied for about half a year. I was good at it. I could have gotten away with it, but I wanted to be finally honest with him. I should have been all along. I should have listened when my insides were eating me from the inside out to tell the truth.It wouldn't have hurt him so much. I wish I could take it back, that I wouldn't have betrayed him. I wouldn't have made him feel like a fool, and I wouldn't have hurt him like this. I wouldn't have crushed his trust in me like that.

I feel sick. And Raw. I wish I were beaten. Physical pain would be so much better than knowing how much I've hurt him, knowing that he will probably never trust me as he did before. It would be better than having him talk to me like this, like he doesn't trust me. like he doesn't even know who I am anymore...I feel sick. Disgusting, dirty, unworthy, a liar....I feel like my mother was right. I am worthless.

Moments before I told him the truth he told me how he couldn't be in a bad mood around me cause I just make him happy. He looked at me as if he was full of love, happiness and pride just to be with me...my biggest fear is that he'll never look at me like that again.

Tell The Truth

To understand this post, I will have to give you a bit of background information. 

About 6 months ago, one of my very few friends that I've known since the fourth grade, Stone, was moving two states away. By this time, Scruffy and I were dating for about 9 months and were very serious. Scruffy was getting over his insecurities and trust issues that he had from previous relationships. Well, Stone was a long term, and very close friend to me and I thought he was going to leave on a Friday, so when he told me at midnight on that Wednesday that he was leaving the next morning at 6 in the morning by train. We were planning to hang out one last time before he left because we probably would never see each other again. Well, this change in plans kind of made that hard. So, we made plans that he would walk over to my house and we would hang out on the porch in secret so my mom wouldn't know. I let Scruffy know what was up even though he was unhappy about the time of night it was. At the last minute, Stone asked if I could drive over and pick him up, and after a little thought, I said okay. However, I did not tell Scruffy. Thinking he would be even more upset knowing we were alone in a car, I let him believe in the original plans. I lied. I went to pick Stone up. We decided to go to the school where we first met, but I accidentally went  to the wrong school (I went to a lot of elementary schools). We then decided to just go sit in a McDonalds. Well, I drove to Mcdonalds but they were closed so we just sat and talked in the parking lot for a while, all the while still leading Scruffy to believe that we were sitting on my front porch. About a hour and a half later, I took him back home. I said my goodbye and headed home. Once home, Scruffy and I got into an argument about Stone being over at my house til 3 in the morning. My defense was I was saying goodbye to a close friend.It hurt him alot and he lost alot of trust in me. I never told Scruffy the truth of what happened that night.

Recently, a friend came up to me about her keeping something from her boyfriend. It was innocent but she knew he would overreact, so she asked me advice if she should tell him or not. I, troubled, asked Scruffy's advice about it. He made a good point that she should tell her boyfriend, and made me think of what I, myself, haven't told my boyfriend. So, the next day I told my friend Scruffy's advice and of my own deception. I told her that it's not right for me to tell her she should be honest if I couldn't/wouldn't. So I made a point to tell Scruffy what really happened those six months ago.

    He was pissed, and even worse, hurt. He didn't care of what really happened, heck it would have been better then to tell the truth because he was more upset bout what he had thought happened. He was hurt that I had lied and had continued to lie for half a year. I lied whenever he had asked if there was anything else to tell him and I said no. I've hurt him. I've been lying to him all this time when he has told the truth about things he didn't even want to admit but did it to be honest with me. and I couldn't even be honest with him. Who knows when he'll be able to trust me again, or when he'll want to touch me again. 

   To make it worse, just moments before I told him, he was telling me that he just couldn't be in a bad mood around me because I just make him feel better. He was looking so happy and proud, and then just minutes later, looking so angry and hurt. I did that. I hurt him. Had I told the truth since the beginning, he wouldn't have been hurt like this. I hate this, I feel disgusting and worthless. I feel like I don't deserve to be forgiven. I feel like a horrible person. I am a liar and I lied to the man I love. Even if he does truly forgive me, I don't think I ever will. Don't ever lie.

"How are you? Don't hold back in telling me how you feel." -me

"Hurt. Betrayed. Played. Dumb. Foolish. Blinded. Wounded. Hit with a ton of bricks."-Scruffy

P.s. Scruffy, I know you don't read my blogs really anymore, but if you happen to read this, I am sorry for what I did, I would do anything to take away the pain I've caused you. I know you think I got upset because I thought you wouldn't forgive me so you told me you already have, but I was upset because I knew you'd forgive me, but I don't deserve it and you deserve better. I love you and if I could try again, I would. I'm sorry.