I can do better than this...

Balancing college, job, sanity, relationship, and a social life. Overall, I guess I am doing okay..but individually,...I'm not so sure. I could put more effort into school, my job is good, sanity has been and always be unbalanced hahaha, I wish I could do more for my relationship, and my social life is slipping but eh, I've never been that 'faithful' of a friend. For my relationship, I wish I could just help. At least help. I can't find the balance between being controlling or just giving up. I feel I should encourage him, but I end up just telling him what I assume is best for him, or I get fed up, give up and just let him do whatever he wants to do without any comment from me, but I feel like that's not caring.  I want to push and support him to achieve his dream, but I guess all I do is push him. I don't know what to do. I want to be the reaching hand to pull him out of the tough times, but sometimes I feel like I'm dragging him, kicking and screaming, through a storm. Where does support stop and control start?

XXXIX by Jose Marti

Translated from Spanish to English

I grow a white rose

In July to in January

for the sincere friend

that gives me his honest hand

And for the one who tears out

the heart by which I live

thistle nor nettle I grow,

I grow the white rose

I love the sun

I just love it. The light. The warmth. Sometimes i just with i could plant my feet in warm mud, grow roots,become a flower and just bask in the warm sunlight...

Please Don't

I know you didn't feel well and I'm sorry. I didn't intentionally choose some game over you. Had I been aware of the time and how you felt about it, I would have been more than happy to stop and pay attention to you. Again, I'm sorry. To be honest, I thought you were kidding when you first got mad about me being on the game, but after a while I realized you were serious and got off as quickly as I though I could, (which apparently isn't the quickest way...). You did overreact, but you admitted that and apologized, which I appreciated, especially since I was in the wrong. I do want to do stuff for you to make you feel better, whether it be by heart or body, I don't know.
       But this isn't about me ignoring you for Batman, it's about the blogs. Please don't start blog wars. We've always argued either face to face or on the phone, and sometimes it is hard, but we work through what's wrong in the end, with less damage than us fighting online or through text. So far, I've tried to make sure that I only make positive posts about you, and I ask you do the same for me. Not because I don't like it or whatever, but because blog wars make arguments so much worse and sound harsher than things really are. Also, it is similar to arguing in a crowded place, for all to see, and argument posts are too easy to turn into a post just trashing someone. I know you're not meaning to cause much grief or anything, I just ask that you please don't. I love you and don't want things to change from us being able to talk it out, to us blasting each other on our blogs.

Warning!

Never piss off an artist.

They'll paint you getting eaten by sharks...

Or paint rainbows on your car. Hahah

Try and try again

My first attempt at a landscape.

"try and try again"
Graphite
5" x 7"

All I want is to know...

I know my ex-step-father abused me at some point. After hearing the tale from 3 different eyewitnesses, I can't deny that he picked me up by my throat when I five or six or maybe even seven. I don't remember this, even though I remember the times before and after that where he brutally beat my mom.

I have shown similar behaviors that women who were raped or molested when they were children. I grew up with an intense dislike for boys and afraid to trust any person. I was introverted and talked to as few people as possible. Once I actually started dating, I struggled being emotionally close to a guy, much less physically. With my first boyfriend, it was hard to get where we could hold hand. We kissed only twice over the 11 months we dated, and that was where he kissed me on valentines day after we dated for nine months. I couldn't get myself to kiss him. When I began dating scruffy, I held back. I was a little more comfortable with him and I even held his hand first. I think what really made me think i might have been messed with as a kid and don't remember, was when I mistakenly lost my virginity, I didn't bleed like most girls. I know it could happen to anyone, but it was all the before plus that.

When I talk about it with Scruffy, him being the only one i really talk to about it, we say that we think I was messed with. We don't use the real terms because it's just too harsh, but you know what? I admit it. I wonder if I was raped or sexually abused as a child. If so, I've come to where I can accept it, but I just want to know. Did it happen or not?

What is love?

    Many people today say "I love you" without true feeling. Others tell them how stupid it is to say something of such importance to someone you've dated for a week or two. I will admit, I am a member of the second group. I despise when someone, particularly teenagers, vow their love to another after only just started dating. No, I don't think one can put a definite time limit or requirement to be able to know you truly love someone, but it does come with time, or more like with experiences. I was with my boyfriend for 6 months before I knew I loved him. For some people its only 4 months. Also, I agree to an extent, that there is an age requirement to know the meaning of love. Maybe I mean maturity, instead of age. I feel that you do not know what love is until you can take care of and manage yourself. It makes no sense to me that a thirteen year old can romantically love someone. My sister once told me, "You love someone in a totally different way when your 29 than when you are 19." I agree, that love changes as you progress through life. If you love someone as a boyfriend when you are 19, as a friend, a romantic interest, a shoulder to cry on and a warm embrace. You love them as a husband when you are 29. I suppose it's that love isn't taken more seriously at an older age, but allowed more naturally. At 17, you want someone to make you special to them and want to fall in love and be in love with someone, which is also true in older ages, but at that point, you love them because you actually do, not because you want to love them.

     But love to me isn't perfect. Love is where you know their faults, and even dislike them, but accept them. You argue, you get mad at each other, you make up, and you acknowledge that this will happen again later and that it's going to be worse then. You realize that it's going to be hard sometimes, if not almost half, but you still believe that it'll be worth it because you want to be with them, they love you, and the good times outweigh the bad ones. Love is accepting someone as a whole, good, bad, best, and worst included, and still feel unconditional positive regard for them.

"The best thing 'bout tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before?
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find"

Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade