And all it takes is

And all it takes is just a moment with you and like a free bird, i spread my wings and fly away.

And so, today, I sit and think..

In psychology, we learnt that people go through stages of Social Development, introduced by Erik Erikson. According to his theory, people from teens into their 20s, which I fit in, have the crisis of Identity v.s. Role confusion. This is where such persons try different roles and take a bit from each to create one's own identity, or they will have confusion over who they are.

At first, I didn't understand. How can someone not know who they are? But then I started to deeply ponder. I think I understand what Erikson means. Under what do I characterize myself? If I were to die tomorrow, what would the ones who knew me think of me? What influence and impact would I leave behind? And if the good Lord has me live until I am one hundred years old, how would someone describe me? What characteristic or activity would they hear, and think of me?

I think of the phases I have gone through over my short years and my 'permanent' devotion to movies or bands, but not even months later, I have all but forgotten my past fascinations.

So I sit here and think, who have I been? Who will I become? And then the biggest question of all: Who am I?

And as you drink yourself

And as you drink yourself into an angry stupor, I wonder, do you know you are ultimately killing youself?

I dont think the people of this world exactly want someone to love and to love them, although that is something to treasure and to desire, i think they truly just want someone to trust.

I finished my still life in chalk pastel. Im sorry for the crappy picture but what do you think?

Took a lovely little trip and fell...

The trip was going so well. Warm sunshine, a lot of laughter and many magical moments with Scruffy. We caught a pretty good sized bass and a catfish. The last day, I thought that we were going to cook those fish for dinner, so I offered to my mom that Scruffy and I would go to wal-mart to get sides for the fish. She okay-ed it and off we went. The entire day was fine, even though the adults were drinking since noon. Around 7, 7:30, I was sitting around the campfire talking to Scruffy and my brother's, Spike's, friend when my mothers idiot boyfriend (I call him Sasquatch) hollered my name from the porch for me to come help my mom cook. I attempted to finish my statement to Scruffy and Spike's friend and Sasquatch hollered again "Come oooon!" I told him I would finish my thought and be right there. Scruffy told me to just go, it would make it easier if i just went ahead and went, so I went inside to help my mom, I thought. I found out that I really was going to stand against the refrigerator while she drunkenly slurred at me that 'this was all my fault, she didn't wanna cook tonight, this was all my idea, etc.' I told her I'd clean up the kitchen afterward since this was apparently 'all my fault.' 

  Shortly after, Scruffy, Spike, and Spikes friend came inside and Sasquatch and Mom stopped their complaining. Everything was done, except for the tator tots I said I would cook. I put them in the oven and went to go sit in the living room with the boys. Scruffy could tell i was upset and wrapped his arms around me while I sat next to him on the couch. Apparently my mom started to clean something and Sasquatch told her to stop because I was going to clean everything. 

    Then, the idiot yelled my name at me, "THAT RANDOM NINJA!" He had never been so stupid before as to directly yell at me so I raised my voice and snapped "What!?!" 

   He never answered because my mom smacked his arms and said, "Don't yell at her like that! You are not her father! I've given her enough crap tonight."

    He just muttered, "Okay. Yeah. Fine!" Afterward, he left me alone. He refused to sit near me at dinner (yay for me :)) and wouldn't even come close enough to get his alcoholic drink sitting next to me. At this point I was very happy, but still upset about my mom earlier. Scruffy finished first but instead of going of with Spike's friend, he stayed with me. He even helped me clean afterward. We finished up and headed off to sit with Spike's friend. From outside, we could hear Sasquatch yell obscenities during some argument about his snoring that was going on inside. Once things got quiet, we headed in for bed because we were tired. Sasquatch fell asleep sitting at the dinning room table and my mom was on the couch where I slept, so I woke her up. 

   The trouble started when she tried to wake up the idiot and he began to sway and couldn't even stand up on his own. She asked he he wanted help getting to be and he just kept repeating "it hurts" and "go away." Spike, who he doesn't get along with, was standing near so he began to raise his voice and say "Get the F* away." He started drunkenly hobble-ing to the front door and my mom asked where he was going.

 "Going to smoke a cigarette if that's okay with you!" he snapped. She scoffed and held her hands up. Scruffy thought he hit Spike because Sasquatch hit the refrigerator on his way out and Spike stepped forward.  He left but apparently stayed close by the door because he heard Spike say to Mom, "I thought we talked about cutting back on the drinking." 

   Sasquatch heard this and yelled "F* you Spike! You don't know what F*ing pain is! You dont' F*ing know anything!" He came back in and continue to yell so Spike went off to his room. My mom then started to tell him to shut up but he kept yelling "You don't know and F*ing thing! I'm tired of it! F* you, Spike! You F*ing little S*!"

  Then my mom started in and she was about to hit him while yelling back, "You don't talk that way about my son! You shut up! You don't talk that way about him!" but my aunt, who is a lieutenant at a prison, stepped in and split them up while he shouted "I'm just saying the truth!" 

  My aunt told him to shut up before she bopped both of them. He kept on and she lost her temper. She slammed her hand on the table and got in his face with her finger and demanded that he shut up of she would knock him. He told her to  do it but he then shut up. She commanded, "Now go to bed and sleep the drunk off."

   He went into the bedroom and pulled out the already blown up camper air mattress and drug it through the kitchen, while knocking into the table and chairs, and took it out the door and onto the porch. On his way, he said "I'll sleep outside so y'all won't have to hear my F*ing snoring." After he stepped out, my mom went behind him and closed and locked the door.

  "Good riddance!" she said and thing started calming down. My aunt told us sorry, and so did my mom, but my aunt also said the idiot would say sorry to the kids the next morning when he was sober. She had me and Scruffy sleep in their room, in the two seperate beds, and she and my mom would sleep in the living room in case he tried to come in during the night. I started a panick attack and was shaking really bad. It was scaring Scruffy but I told him it'd be fine and he should just try to make me laugh to help calm me down. After I was calm enough, we went to sleep. 

   In the morning, there was no signs of him trying to get in during the night, and when they unfortunately woke him up, he acted as if the night before never happened. We never got an apology out of him.

    I've started talking to my mom about slowing down and maybe even stopping the drinking, but I don't know how that's going to go. Scruffy's mom has been there for me a lot and on here, I've decided to call her Second Mommie. When Scruffy and I told her the events of the trip, she advised that I might have to get real tough on mom. I might have to give her the ultimatum that either Sasquatch has to go, or I will leave for my dad's and Spike will move into his. I don't know what i think about that, but the idea hurts. I don't want it to get that bad. I just have to wait and see if I can work with my mom about the alcohol. Please pray for us.

Today has been much better than this morning=)

My mom yelled at her boyfriend so he wont sleep in the livingroom tonight=) yay! i get to sleep!

we caught 2 fish today and were trying for more tomorrow. we rented 2 coanoes and they have been so much fun! i am sore though.

the water was too cold to swim but i promised Scruffy that i would swim with him tomorrow so im really hoping that the water will be warm.

last night me and Scruffy had a deep talk on the dock. I told him some of how i feel about my moms boyfriend. It was real upsetting but i feel like i can depend on Scruffy for anything.

now we are sitting next to the fire again and waiting for hamburgers off the grill. I am hungry! but its a good moment bieng with him and joking with my family=)

The trip has been doing okay.

Scruffy was supposed to sleep on the airmattress in the living and i on the couch. I guess my moms idiot boyfriend thought we were gonna do something bad and slept on another air mattress in the livingroom. This would be fine i guess if he didnt holler and talk and constantly moove in his sleep so i didnt get to sleep until four in the morning. I came out here on the dock to enjoy this foggy morning view...

he just walked up talking to me.

Im sitting out here with

Im sitting out here with my family and scruffy next to me by the romantic fire at sunset. Such a perfect moment...

We just got to the cabin we are staying at for spring break! look at the view!

Explanation

I reckon I should explain the post I made a few days ago...

I wasn't going to put too personal information on this blog, but then I remembered my anonymity and also the reason I started this blog. I want to work past the past and help myself.

Throughout my life my mom would tell me how useless I was, how worthless, how I wasn't doing something good enough. It's really hurt and eventually I gave up trying. I stopped doing homework, stopped paying attention in class. I did no housework whatsoever. I had decided I wasn't going to keep trying for something I never was going to reach. A few years after is when I started to self harm. I would cut with razors, and pierce needles through my skin. I always made sure I made the scars look random or hid them well enough so no one would see. It got much worse once my mom started dating her current boyfriend. He is a drunk, and an imbecile. She started making worse decisions for herself. She started to smoke again, and drank every night. There were times I would come home on the weekends and she would be passed out on the couch and I would cover her with a blanket. We argued all the time and had no relationship at all. I went from cutting maybe once a month to several times a week. No one ever found out, but eventually my mom actually noticed my depression. She, who before fought to the end to have me in her custody. no matter the price, then offered to let me live with my dad. I refused. I wanted to be nearby in case the guy ever tried to hurt her. From his anger flares and his drinking, I could tell he would lose his temper one day. (He hasn't yet but I'm still prepared). I made a new friend at school who I got close to, Mace, and eventually stopped self harming. I started doing stuff for myself. I straightened up my room once in a while and started working on my grades. Then, I started dating Mace's emo cousin, and told him and her about my problems. No one believed me about my mom. She always is so nice and loving in front of guests. I began to cut again. I cut myself for the last time on July 30th, 2010, two days before my 16th birthday, when he broke up with me. I had decided beforehand that that was going to be the last time. So, I made a deep 1 inch cut along my left arm. I put in a obvious place to remind myself of what I've been through and to never do it again. About a year and a half later and the scar is still very visible, but that was my purpose.

Since then I haven't cut and I'm trying to better things for myself. I try to keep my grades up and keep my room clean. I've even been working on my relationship with my mom. We can talk sometimes now without the screaming and arguing. I have told the important people in my life, except for my dad and mom. I don't know how many believe me, but no one straight up tells me they don't believe me anymore. I've been getting better.

However, I have low self esteem about meeting expectations. So being told I'm not doing something right or not being good enough, and especially being told that I'm worthless really gets to me. I know the first two are to help do better next time, but it makes me wonder, "Will I ever be good enough?"

The day of that post was a bad day for me. I was being told that I wasn't doing enough, or doing well enough left and right and from many different people. I had felt like maybe my mom was right. I know now otherwise, but it still makes me feel like that. And even so, even with all the logic in the world, I still have to wonder, "Am I worthless?"

Funny picture #2

Poem for Scruffy<3

Blonde hair great shoulders and a scruffy chin.
my crush my love and my friend.
i am here for you now
and will be until the end

with you i feel free
and i feel a love that all can see.
and i thank the Lord
for He is the reason we are we

i just cant believe its true
that i get to be with you.
that you have all my love
and that you love me too<3

Happy Ressurection day and Easter!!!

Happy Ressurection day and Easter!!!
(\/)
( ',')
c(")(")

Sorry im not good enough.

Sorry im not good enough. in anything. Sorry i argued with you about it. You were right.

Almost..

The car I have now needs new brake pads. My dad says they've crystalized and the jerk and skip to a stop.

Well this morning I was driving behind an suv that was following another suv. Suddenly the first suv stopped and turned into the driveway, making the second suv slam on brakes. Seeing sudden brake lights and coming 45 mph at a stopped suv made me slam on the brakes. Well I didn't think I was going to stop in time. I was slowing down but I was still gonna hit the suv. However, I heard and felt a sudden clunk in the brake pedal, and the tires started squealing and I quickly stopped about 6 feet from the suv!! I don't know what the clunk was but now my brakes work fine with no skipping whatsoever. I'm glad but I wonder if the sudden stop damaged the brakes or car.... Thank God my bro and I are okay though.

P.S. I need to remember to do a dedication to the two new followers I have! Yay, I am so happy to have followers. :)

April 3, 2012

Today was pretty good, but not too much happened. Ducky is okay, which is definitely good.

 I realized how much i need to work on my art portfolio, but as of now, I realized I have 13 out of the 24 I need by May. I have five concentration pieces and 8 breadth pieces. Hopefully I can get enough pieces done by the deadline and maybe even pass AP Art. =]

I might have bombed a Psychology test today. I know I did great on the multiple choice but I know I only got three out of eight points on the free response questions. I really love psychology so this is really getting to me, but I know my mistakes weren't because I didn't know the material, it is because I was thinking too broadly. Maybe I can do test corrections.

I woke make-up today. I want to wear it again tomorrow so Scruffy can see it. He says my eyes make him melt so he really likes it when I do extra to make them stand out.

Well, I decided to wash the car I got to replace my neon that I wrecked back in February: Attack of the Car. Well, this is the first time I've washed it since I got it and it was gross! It was like the last owners had the car sitting in the bottom of a pond! Muck was in every crease! But now it looks like a brand new car. I just got it all nice and dry and shiny and then Plop! a raindrop. It started to rain. Oh well, at least it'll look better than before.

There is this little song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
Like good little children
Don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say
In your life expect some trouble
But when you worry
You make it double
Don't worry, be happy......
Don't worry don't do it, be happy
Put a smile on your face
Don't bring everybody down like this
Don't worry, it will soon past
Whatever it is
Don't worry, be happy

Don't worry, be Happy by Bobby McFerrin

He's okay =)

So the good news is my friend( i shally call him ducky) is still alive. he says he isnt going to kill himself but he says he feels hes being forced to live. things arent any better for him than last year when he talked about suicide and i told a teacher but he says hes trying to make things better. this is the first time weve really talked since then and im glad we are cool again tho i know he still doesnt trust me. he says its better when he talks to someone he knows. im going to do my best to be there for him and pray that one day he will be truly happy =)

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Help! Suicide!

I am texting a friend right now who has been contemplating suicide. Help and tips?Please?

Detailed Steps of Progression

Okay, so I've decided that my Self Improvement Plan will begin this upcoming Monday. I am going to put in as many affects in as I can starting as of now, but won't buckle down until Monday. So I thought of how exactly I am going to pull of this plan in the most basic steps. Here's what I have:

• Grab 2 bottles of water on my way out the door to school so I can have one for breakfast and one for lunch. Also, take one from the downstairs refrigerator to the upstairs  one so I will have one at night after work and can't use that excuse to grab a glass of tea. Last, I am going to stop taking money to school so I can't buy a soda when I am there. 
• Reading a chapter in the Bible can be done at anytime but I hope to do it around the same time every day so it can become a routine.
• I decided that my 'bedtime' will be 11 pm each night, that way, I can get up after my 7 and 1/2 hours of sleep at 6:30 am in the morning, do my 30 minutes of cardio, get a shower and still have time for breakfast at home before going to school.
• I am going to stop by the store tomorrow to pick up 'veggies on the go' and ask my mom to get bread for sandwiches and fruits for lunch.
• Have a budget on how much I can spend each week. $20 per week on extras, not including gas. And this is only for if I do buy something, which now I will stop buying things other than necessities. 

Alright! Here I go guys! 

P.S. I am going to redesign my blog so it will be lighter and not so dark and such, so be expecting some changes tonight!

P.S.S. Thanks to my supporters out there! =) Y'all rock.

Mobile blogging!

Well I found this cool article that helped me set up my blog so I could post from my phone! Cool, huh? Well if you guys would like to post on the go too then here is the article to hel you out:

First mobile post!

I have officially joined the mobile blogging world. My first mobile post will be of my art! yay! still working on this piece though...Any advice?

The Hunger Games: Om Nom Nom

Scruffy and I went to see The Hunger Games tonight and it was.....AWESOME! There was such a good balance of humor, romance, suspense, drama and action. The special effects were great the entire movie. The only complaints were that the camera was moved around to much in the beginning and Scruffy said he heard a statement against God in it and if so then that's not okay, but I didn't hear it so we don't know if it was there or not. The movie did so well to grasp each personality of each character. Also, it made you feel. Throughout the movie I got angry, or happy, or sad, I even cried like 3 tears! I do not cry in public so this is big. Must see. Must see! MUST SEE!

Probably Tuesday, I will post my thoroughly thought-out plan for the Self Improvement Plan and how to go about each step. Thanks to my supporters out there! 

P.S. I got a Wild Honeysuckle candle today and it smells amazing! 

"I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so f****** far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind"

Hate me by Blue October